Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize