You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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