70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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