I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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