so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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