i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
