remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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