I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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