i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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