I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
