i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
