i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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