i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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