so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
They have beer where we have blood.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
