I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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