You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Is it because I queefed?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
