just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
