WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
