a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
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