What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
