sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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