Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
