We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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