After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
