well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
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I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So. Much. Porn.
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