So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
