Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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