He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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