Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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