You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
