In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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