Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
