I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
