Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
sex in a hospital.. check
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
