That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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