Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
