The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
