dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
