I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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