I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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