: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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