apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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