Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
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Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
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You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.