It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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