He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
