My first STD was from a foam party
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
