my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
