so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
