Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
