Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
