oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
