I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
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This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
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I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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