he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
