we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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