I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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