just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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