Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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