you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
