i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
