i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
