I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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