How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
