I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
