I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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